hope......

it is and amazing thing.  I was once told some thing about having hope or there would be nothing to hope for.
I have hope that he will get help. I really thought he might get it today but I am wrong. they did not keep him.
he said he was sorry almost sounded as tho he meant it , but he lies terribly and he uses me so I must stay at a safe distance both mentally and physically. the restraining order is still in effect. I will not let that drop. I had a few precious hours this evening where any thing was possible I could even go for walks now.... yeah right .  I got to talk to him. granted it was not what I would have liked to converse about but it was what was needed. and he did go for help they just didn't keep him.
who knows what he told them. I had a turning point a week or so ago, I feel somehow as tho I am past the bottom, and ready to try the climb back to life, today I awoke with the usual where is he?? and then the remember, then the tears then the just get up and get the day going shake it off.... feed the animals take care of myself all the while uneasy, naggy every time I walked by a window, finally I put my pistol in my pocket , uneasy feeling abated. 2 hours later a call J is in the er for mental issues. guess that explains my naggy feeling. then dealing with police and J, getting to tell him get yourself help fix you then you can work at fixing the rest of your life's fuck ups. he kept saying death was the only way I finally told him that he had better sit down and write to his 10 grandkids tell them he is sorry for being such a jerk.
I need to finish the time line prepare for a trial he now says he won't show up to.
I now think that today was all in attempt to make SSD believe he was unbalanced when he had my attorney send a "I no Longer want ssd" letter to drop his benefits so I can't have them. makes perfect sense to his messed up mind. and how off balance he kept me , of course the brain injury didn't hurt his plan at all.
I put my trust for my financial futer in the hands of a man that was there to take advantage and he did and when the money was gone so was my house, I still had my car if I could catch up the payments he quit making, so he stole it and ruined it we still owed almost $9000. on it .    and sorry is supposed to fix it ?

March is marching on

and at the end a Spring retreat  : )
I do enjoy the retreats but I am having some trouble getting on board for anything right now. I seem to have lost all forward go       again and stalling in this stupid depression is not where I want to spend spring.  what the fuck ?


so I started reading blogs by scrolling thru the next blog button came upon this at Our Catholic corner...... WTF ?
 
 
Wednesday, February 8, 2012Examination of Conscience for Wives


I found this little old pamplet in the bottom of a box at our Parish bookstore. This is a great reference for a wife/mother when you are preparing to make the sacrament of Confession.



It is also good for us to read and to make sure we are on the right path ;)



My Home



1.Is my home neat and clean?

2.Is my home attractive?

3.Is my home comfortable?

4.Do I make attractive use of color in the curtains, draperies, etc?

5.Do I allow my family to relax, to use their home?

6.Is my housework done early in the day?

7.Do I leave soiled dishes piled up in the kitchen?

8.Am I on the look out for ways to improve my home? Do I read magazines that might help me in this regard?

9.Are my husband and children proud to bring their friends home?

Do I welcome their friends?

10.Is there a genuine religious atmosphere in my home? Are there:

a)pictures of Jesus,Mary, etc?

b)crucifixes?

c)things necessary for a sick call?

Is my work done systematically?

12.Am I careful about money?

13.Do I keep a record of my expenses?

14. Am I trying to save money for the future?



My Table



1.Are the meals served promptly?

2.Do I consider the nurtitional value of foods?

3.Do I introduce variety into the menu?

4. Am I on the lookout for new and appetizing recipes?

5. Are my meals appetizing in appearance?

6.Do I cook the same things week after week?

7.Do I prepare everything as attractively as possible even when there are to be no guests?

8. Is the table set attractively and completely before the family sits down? Or am I constantly jumping up for something that is needed?

9.Is the main family meal a real family affair?

10.Is the table conversation pleasant? Or do I rehearse all the unpleasant circumstances of the day?

11. Is grace said before and after meals?

12.Do the children ask to be excused,if they must leave early?

13.Am I teaching my children the rules of good etiquette:

a)by my good example?

b)by an occasional gently reminder?



Myself Physically



1.Am I careful about my personal cleanliness and neatness?

2.Do I try to keep myself attractive looking?

3. Do I choose clothes wisely:

A)price?

b)pattern?

c) color?

4. Do I try to keep my figure neat and trim?

5.In general am I as careful about my personal appearnace now as I was before my marriage?

6.Is my husband proud to be seen with me?

7.Are my children proud of their mother?

8. Do I try to look my best when my husband comes home?

9. Do I dress according to my age?

10. Am I always modest in my dress?



Myself intellectually



1. Am I intellectually stagnant?

2. Have I tried to imporove my mind?

3.Have I kept up the practice of reading good books?

4.Do I read good magazines?

5. How much Catholic reading do I do:

a)books?

b)magazines?

c)pamphlets?

d) newspapers?

6. Do I keep up with current events?

7. Have I tried to develop my talent as a conversationalist? Or are the sujects of conversations merely personalities and jokes?

8. Do I speak grammatcially?



Myself Spiritually



1.How often fo I go to confession and receive Holy Communion?

2.Am I on time for Mass on Sundays and holy days?

3.Do I ever go to Mass on weekdays?

4.Do I remain in church until the Mass iv over?

5. Do I try to participate fully in the Mass?

6.How often do I say the rosary?

7.Do I say my morning and night prayers?

8.Do I say grace before and after meals?

9. Do I avoid in my language:

a)vulgarity?

b)obscenity?

c)cursing?

d) blasphemy?

10. Is the spirit of chariy manifest in my:

a)thoughts?

b)words?

c)actions toward my family?relatives? friends?neighbors?enemies?

11.Am I catty?

12.Am i really tring to midel my life on Our lady?

13.Do I keep confidences that are given me? secrets?

14.Do I lose my temper easily and frequently?

15.Am I selfish?

16.Am I generous?

a)to the poor?

b)to the church?

c)to the missions?



the next section what kind of wife am I..... WTF ?

some of this is what I concider manners...... wonder if Mrs. Manners was Catholic ?
press on and forward
fake it till you make it I am told.

March 1 2012 gone

12 years and still the grief is only a thought away.

I wonder if my Dad has played with them. funny the thoughts that are in my mind and when they choose to POP in.....    

Change of plans

I am going to help a friend for a week or so.  see you later ~ gator !

Sold for $

1515 S Pine Street  Sold for $177,900 on Jan 31, 2012.

WHY ?

this is beyond ridiculous I am 48 and he left me loud and clear.
 why can I not stop feeling as tho I am abandoning the fool when he needs me the most ?  He is sick Dear God, why can no one else see this, I mean besides my attorney and a useless commissioner ?  or am I truly blinded by love ?
 I looked through pictures today, I haven't many left. I gave them to him or threw them away  altho I refuse to give him any with me or any one from my family in them.   but, I was looking mostly at him and I; and his body language.....  man it is so loud and clear..... why have I not let this jerk go ?  I am only 48 and there has got to be more fun ahead for me!
 I planted bulbs today so they would not die. they belong to Zane now, but so does most everything in my world.  will i ever be able to own my own place again ? HHHHAAAA HAHAHAHAHA right. lotto dreams : )
"ask me what I miss.......every little kiss.......every little one"........ especially from the grand babies........tears are still plentiful.....  regrets are not.

from an email a dear friend sent me tho It was a forward and I do not open forwards. it seems to have slipped thru and touched me so I will share parts of it if I can.

"There was a frail, elderly woman who reassured my young

enlisted medic, trying to start an IV line in her arm. She remained calm and poised, despite her illness and the multiple needle-sticks into her fragile veins. She was what we call a 'hard stick.' As the medic made another attempt, I noticed a number tattooed across her forearm. I touched it with one finger and looked into her eyes. She simply said, ' Auschwitz ..' Many of later generations would have loudly and openly berated the young medic in his many attempts. How different was the response from this person who'd seen unspeakable suffering."

so is it that when we suffer these great unspeakable things we can then? have consideration for others ???

I Love Mother Teresa.


I think our government should have a buddy system where they live a day or more in our life.... how about a pay period ?   can you see someone, a senator, a congress person, a Govenor, being a principle for a week  or a janitor ? LOL !  how about just keeping up the schedule of a nurse for a month ?  LOL !  or live on a handicapped budget like to see how much weight some of those big ole' boys loose in the month !  I think the treasurer of every state should have to work with a single mother and help her keep her checking account balanced while providing for her kids, maintaining a full time job AND getting a degree, .... LOL  !  
  pipe dreams seem to be the order of my mind today......


"summer of 69"   oh Yeah !!    that was actually a very good year it was the year i met Dusti.

 isn't she beautiful. 

 this was a lovely day Kristen & Dusti took me to Crown Park we had a great short wind blown time !! Ivy loves being part of the girls.

 I needed girl power and all that could come, DID !  I am so very blessed with strong women in my life ....left to right... Me, Annette, Dusti, Carrie, Sallie, & Mom. 

 silly times : )

walking on the beach in my Pjs LOVE IT !!!  I have to remember I am strong keep moving forward cry if I must but keep moving forward !  

a missed post ? this is information from 2011 flood in my home town

At some POINT you will realized that you have done too much for someone. That the... only next possible step to do is to STOP. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try- It's just that you have to draw the line of DETERMINATION from DESPERATION ... What is truly yours will eventually be yours and What is not, no matter how hard you try - will never be...(Flo Aguila)

don't remember now where I saw this but it moves me.... so I am sharing

I AM leaving this up only because of the last line.  K- did not mean to give you a fright .




more  flood info coming out of Owego

A thin layer of mud coated the sidewalks and streets in downtown Owego as floodwaters began to recede on Friday -- a grimy reminder of a record flood and the extensive cleanup that lies ahead. The main north-south road through town remained a series of lakes. There was driftwood in the courthouse lawn.
On the roads that were passable, residents pushed carts, pulled wagons, carried bags with bottled water, food or ice, if it could be found. Water service was off. The power went out Thursday. And officials said the sewer plant flooded and was shut down."The town is closed," Jim Morris, the village fire chief, said Friday afternoon as officials literally shut the community off to incoming traffic. "We're still trying to rescue people, and we've got people trying to come in."

Owego and the surrounding area are among the hardest hit by flooding, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said during a news conference at Binghamton Regional Airport in the town of Maine. The isolated nature of the region only adds to the severity of the situation.

The two main bridges into Owego are closed over concerns about their stability. The blockade went up on Route 38. Inside, only emergency vehicles and those carrying people out of town are now allowed on the roads.

"We are devastated with the disaster we're seeing," Mayor Ed Arrington said, estimating 90 percent of commercial buildings had been flooded.

Officials imposed a curfew Friday night because of looting and brought in state troopers for help.

The area was inundated both by Owego Creek and the Susquehanna River -- the latter, which crested at roughly 40 feet, was eight feet above the previous record and 10 feet above flood stage, according to the National Weather Service.

More than half the village's 3,700 or more residents had been evacuated, officials said, and an untold number from the town. Three shelters were at or nearing capacity. There were no fatalities or serious injuries reported as of mid-afternoon.

Those who stayed either volunteered or tried to make do, eager for any news and frustrated by the lack of answers.

When will power be restored? Don't know. When will people be able to return? Don't know. When will this road reopen, or that one? Don't know.

"We don't want anyone on the roads unless they have to be," said Donald Castellucci, town supervisor. "These roads are compromised. And with the water so high, we can't assess the damage."

The only sure answer was for those asking about access to medications. The answer: Evacuate.

State, county and local agencies are responding, and quickly, said Sen. Thomas W. Libous, R-Binghamton, who flew over the area with Cuomo on Friday. Supplies were flown in Friday and in almost unheard of night missions Thursday by the New York Army National Guard to a shelter that was without food or water up the road in Nichols.

"I cannot stress enough to people that this is serious," Libous said, urging evacuated residents to stay away until the waters recede, the situation is safe and authorities announce a re-entry plan. "This is going to take time."

Arrington made a plea for patience and compassion, which he said was being answered in part by a volunteer force of 200 to 300.

Then there were those like Chris Pellicano, a 22-year resident of Church Street. He set up folding tables in his driveway, brought out food and established what became a neighborhood feeding station. Others joined in, emptying their fridges and freezers.

"We decided to take the initiative and just try and take hold of what's going on," Pellicano said. "You know, because we don't know what is going to happen."

Over on Lake Street, Maureen Mathewson and neighboring shop owners were trying to pump out their waterlogged basements in stages for fear the buildings might otherwise collapse. At Mathewson's Tender Loving Care property, floodwaters nearly reached the first floor.

"We already know we are going to need a new electrical system. Where am I going to get the money for that?" Mathewson said. "What am I going to do?"

The Red Cross established a central aid station Friday evening. During the day, with so many roads impassable, officials used a series of supply "islands" or loaded pickups with bottled water and drove around their section of town.

Other than people talking, the only sound in the village was that of generators, and occasionally of Blackhawk helicopters ferrying in supplies....

and the sounds of 80 year old Walt Harrison saying hell no I won't go !