hope......

it is and amazing thing.  I was once told some thing about having hope or there would be nothing to hope for.
I have hope that he will get help. I really thought he might get it today but I am wrong. they did not keep him.
he said he was sorry almost sounded as tho he meant it , but he lies terribly and he uses me so I must stay at a safe distance both mentally and physically. the restraining order is still in effect. I will not let that drop. I had a few precious hours this evening where any thing was possible I could even go for walks now.... yeah right .  I got to talk to him. granted it was not what I would have liked to converse about but it was what was needed. and he did go for help they just didn't keep him.
who knows what he told them. I had a turning point a week or so ago, I feel somehow as tho I am past the bottom, and ready to try the climb back to life, today I awoke with the usual where is he?? and then the remember, then the tears then the just get up and get the day going shake it off.... feed the animals take care of myself all the while uneasy, naggy every time I walked by a window, finally I put my pistol in my pocket , uneasy feeling abated. 2 hours later a call J is in the er for mental issues. guess that explains my naggy feeling. then dealing with police and J, getting to tell him get yourself help fix you then you can work at fixing the rest of your life's fuck ups. he kept saying death was the only way I finally told him that he had better sit down and write to his 10 grandkids tell them he is sorry for being such a jerk.
I need to finish the time line prepare for a trial he now says he won't show up to.
I now think that today was all in attempt to make SSD believe he was unbalanced when he had my attorney send a "I no Longer want ssd" letter to drop his benefits so I can't have them. makes perfect sense to his messed up mind. and how off balance he kept me , of course the brain injury didn't hurt his plan at all.
I put my trust for my financial futer in the hands of a man that was there to take advantage and he did and when the money was gone so was my house, I still had my car if I could catch up the payments he quit making, so he stole it and ruined it we still owed almost $9000. on it .    and sorry is supposed to fix it ?

March is marching on

and at the end a Spring retreat  : )
I do enjoy the retreats but I am having some trouble getting on board for anything right now. I seem to have lost all forward go       again and stalling in this stupid depression is not where I want to spend spring.  what the fuck ?


so I started reading blogs by scrolling thru the next blog button came upon this at Our Catholic corner...... WTF ?
 
 
Wednesday, February 8, 2012Examination of Conscience for Wives


I found this little old pamplet in the bottom of a box at our Parish bookstore. This is a great reference for a wife/mother when you are preparing to make the sacrament of Confession.



It is also good for us to read and to make sure we are on the right path ;)



My Home



1.Is my home neat and clean?

2.Is my home attractive?

3.Is my home comfortable?

4.Do I make attractive use of color in the curtains, draperies, etc?

5.Do I allow my family to relax, to use their home?

6.Is my housework done early in the day?

7.Do I leave soiled dishes piled up in the kitchen?

8.Am I on the look out for ways to improve my home? Do I read magazines that might help me in this regard?

9.Are my husband and children proud to bring their friends home?

Do I welcome their friends?

10.Is there a genuine religious atmosphere in my home? Are there:

a)pictures of Jesus,Mary, etc?

b)crucifixes?

c)things necessary for a sick call?

Is my work done systematically?

12.Am I careful about money?

13.Do I keep a record of my expenses?

14. Am I trying to save money for the future?



My Table



1.Are the meals served promptly?

2.Do I consider the nurtitional value of foods?

3.Do I introduce variety into the menu?

4. Am I on the lookout for new and appetizing recipes?

5. Are my meals appetizing in appearance?

6.Do I cook the same things week after week?

7.Do I prepare everything as attractively as possible even when there are to be no guests?

8. Is the table set attractively and completely before the family sits down? Or am I constantly jumping up for something that is needed?

9.Is the main family meal a real family affair?

10.Is the table conversation pleasant? Or do I rehearse all the unpleasant circumstances of the day?

11. Is grace said before and after meals?

12.Do the children ask to be excused,if they must leave early?

13.Am I teaching my children the rules of good etiquette:

a)by my good example?

b)by an occasional gently reminder?



Myself Physically



1.Am I careful about my personal cleanliness and neatness?

2.Do I try to keep myself attractive looking?

3. Do I choose clothes wisely:

A)price?

b)pattern?

c) color?

4. Do I try to keep my figure neat and trim?

5.In general am I as careful about my personal appearnace now as I was before my marriage?

6.Is my husband proud to be seen with me?

7.Are my children proud of their mother?

8. Do I try to look my best when my husband comes home?

9. Do I dress according to my age?

10. Am I always modest in my dress?



Myself intellectually



1. Am I intellectually stagnant?

2. Have I tried to imporove my mind?

3.Have I kept up the practice of reading good books?

4.Do I read good magazines?

5. How much Catholic reading do I do:

a)books?

b)magazines?

c)pamphlets?

d) newspapers?

6. Do I keep up with current events?

7. Have I tried to develop my talent as a conversationalist? Or are the sujects of conversations merely personalities and jokes?

8. Do I speak grammatcially?



Myself Spiritually



1.How often fo I go to confession and receive Holy Communion?

2.Am I on time for Mass on Sundays and holy days?

3.Do I ever go to Mass on weekdays?

4.Do I remain in church until the Mass iv over?

5. Do I try to participate fully in the Mass?

6.How often do I say the rosary?

7.Do I say my morning and night prayers?

8.Do I say grace before and after meals?

9. Do I avoid in my language:

a)vulgarity?

b)obscenity?

c)cursing?

d) blasphemy?

10. Is the spirit of chariy manifest in my:

a)thoughts?

b)words?

c)actions toward my family?relatives? friends?neighbors?enemies?

11.Am I catty?

12.Am i really tring to midel my life on Our lady?

13.Do I keep confidences that are given me? secrets?

14.Do I lose my temper easily and frequently?

15.Am I selfish?

16.Am I generous?

a)to the poor?

b)to the church?

c)to the missions?



the next section what kind of wife am I..... WTF ?

some of this is what I concider manners...... wonder if Mrs. Manners was Catholic ?
press on and forward
fake it till you make it I am told.

March 1 2012 gone

12 years and still the grief is only a thought away.

I wonder if my Dad has played with them. funny the thoughts that are in my mind and when they choose to POP in.....