wonderful weekend in February

Friends of friends that have over the years, become my friends came to visit at the condo I have been unpacking .  I left  my camera in Camas in January and so not a single picture do I have but what a fun weekend we had. I was pleasantly surprised that my little blind deaf doggie got along with their 2 pups, she has not been friendly to any other dogs since the terrible attach. I was spoiled as they took me out to food every day :)
the first night we went to Los Palomas in Sequim. yum the next morning we were slow in deciding but got on the road to Neah Bay. we stopped along the way for snacks at the Joyce general Store and a visit to the museum to Catch Whale Lady Margaret Owens to see the super cool museum that is free! and met a local author who is working on her next book about towns along the coast that have gone extinct... and then an old truck in a new building holds a big saw that Bruce's grandpa used to cut the ice out of the lake with in upstate NY. ahhh the memories ! and then the store is over 100 years old and the owner is behind the counter, keeping costs down ! Bev had never been here before so we really looked in every nook and cranny....on to Clallam Bay and Olsens at Seiku that is now being run by a new multi generational family moved here from Idaho, I am happy to see new young blood coming into the area. the black fish were in and fishermen had limited out by noon when we arrived.
on to hobuck beach Mr Bruce let me drive so he could take a break. I took them to hobuck beach and let the doggies get out and Ivy loves the beach....I let her off lead (DUM) had to run along with her which she loved and thought it was a game so she went faster....Dear god don't let her heart give out here in front of these kids! the beach was the fullest I have ever seen it, kids in wet suits surfing, kids in bikinis swimming...Bev found a perfect sand dollar...some cool rocks that clams bore holes through....on the way back we traveled 113 to 101 stopping at Hungry bear rest. north of Sapho on 101...yum and fun. great fries!! fun pictures on the walls too.
a great day ! but poor Ivy was not used to the diesel fumes and had a horrible night which made their dogs have a terrible nights sleep...so with slow going Sunday morning i made us a nice breakfast and we were of to see some sights of sequim before they have to head back to Graham, Wa.  Port Williams bay and the mountains are soooo beautiful and out in full view 100's of miles away and just so visible and beautiful! back roads to the old restored Sequim School House, and then to the OLYMPIC GAME FARM !! one of my favorite places to take people. we usually have kids with us tho....lol! I have never seen so many eagles on site. and this time I fed a bald eagle apiece of wheat bread and he ate it!!! we had so much fun oh my ! the bears were not fun couldn't even get them to wave! but the buffalo were great thought Bev was gonna end up in my lap ! they will be bringing the girls and grandkids out the end of march for spring break.... I love showing people my peninsula!

an open letter to

Please understand that living with chronic pain does not make me less human.
I spend most of my days in considerable pain and exhaustion. I am still me however, stuck inside this broken body, with a broken brain. I struggle every day not to spend it in worry over matters I have little ability to change like....no money...lots a bills.....no car.....limited distances I can go any given day...what my future holds.... this was not what I had in mind for the best years of my life.
The day of the accident I was 3 years into a 5 year plan, and doing great ! I had already achieved 2 of my 5th year goals, purchased my own home , no gov. program help, just me and my hard work, and I had become manager in my photo lab....ready to work for the next 20 years and put my retirement in order, no kids to work for,working just for my future!...my Lab was a great team, they liked me because I worked harder than they did, I wasn't afraid of 16 hour days...I worked through everything,.... until the 5 months after the accident...I was falling behind in my paper work and I couldn't understand it anymore.....I couldn't tell time on a non-digital clock any more?....am I going crazy?? have you any idea how terrifying this still IS?...back to the doc, time off, and pills to be up, pills to sleep,... Therapy, Physical therapy, nucca chiropractic therapy, acupuncture, sports/manual therapy....do this exercise, do this stretch,....  tests galore, xrays.... mri's.....go  here to this doc 3x a week....go here to this brain school....graduate? (I even asked what does that mean)......pay for it all out of my pocket. no wonder 130,000 dollars disappeared so fast.
just because you are miserable when you are ill, doesn't mean I can afford to be miserable with pain EVERY day for the rest of my life-I live this misery- I chose for those outside my body to not know just what level of pain I am in. I put on the happy face even if all I do is pet the cat all day.
I have to get up I have a senior dog that needs heart meds at 7am, somedays I make it by 9am. If I don't get up when she has to go out I have to deal with pee and poop somewhere in my Sons house... most days now, as the 11th anniversary of the accident approaches,I am getting up somewhere between 7-9am....feeding dogs and cat....walking little doggie if I can.....depends on pain levels... If its over an 8- I generally medicate and go back to bed, my cat is good for curling up with me and making me pet him, at least my arm is getting exercise.... 6-8 pain and I medicate, and try to push through chores, dishes or laundry, all I am able to do these days, and it takes days to get it done, pain under 5 usually means chores get done today, the doggie gets a walk and crafting if I'm able( it is my main leisure activity now....) ...all the while doing these things outside,  inside I am working hard to NOT be miserable...I  was once a very active woman, I worked 40 +hours weekly, backpacked 10 + miles a day with a 60 lb pack on my back,  now I fill time waiting to die.
Understand that chronic pain is variable...It's possible that one day I am able to walk to the park and back and back no problem, while the next day  I can't get past the door and my cat is keeping me company in bed..."but you were out yesterday"? .... this is my new life, what is, IS.deal with it.
If you want me to do something, then ask, if I can I will gladly, sometimes I will say yes, and have to cancel with short notice, please don't take it personally, rather remember and be thankful for all you are physically able to do. Just because I managed to "stand" for 20 minutes today doesn't mean I can stand for 10 minutes another day... substitute "walking,thinking, being social, concentrating, working,...for standing in previous sentence ....thats what chronic pain has done to me. but I am learning to cope.  Understand the difference between between  Happy & Healthy; when you have the flu you are miserable, I have been in chronic pain for 11 years, I am choosing to NOT be as miserable as I truly feel.
this disease, chronic pain is like living on a yo-yo, I never know what will be from morning to morning, and then it changes minute to minute through out the day. On days when I choose to go and participate with family and friends, know that these days do not make me feel better, quite the opposite, they make my pain level much worse-you do not know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time . A single activity(like riding in a car)can cause more damage and physical pain than you can imagine, and the recovery time from said activity can take 4 times longer than the activity did!  If I were capable of working/cleaning/hiking or just doing anything reliably, don't  you think that after 11 years of this shit I would just be doing it ??  If I could work I would, even at walmart...
You can't always know my pain level, its not as easy to read on my face or see in my body language as it once was, while I could say I am getting better at concealing it, with the brain injury, its more likely  that I am just not out in public to be seen any more.  .... once a month grocery shopping and any time that one of the girls takes me out to coffee, those are my outings every month.  twice a year if I can manage to save 300. dollars I can go to my friends weekend scrapbooking  retreats. I am blessed with great friends.  chronic pain also causes secondary depression, whom wouldn't be depressed with all I've been through?
no more cures, please no more tests, not because I don't want to be well, but because I have tried it all and there is no cure for chronic pain. I did every thing every doctor said, did every exercise took every medication recommended, took every test and failed them all, if there was a cure for chronic pain I would know it before you.  Still here I am 11 years later filling out more forms to prove I am STILL disabled....?...
I'm sorry in advance for the bitchy days, pain does that to me, and sometimes I do not realize how much pain I am masking until I "hear myself snap" at someone. chronic pain is hard to understand, unless you have it, and I hope you NEVER do. It wreaks havoc on the mind body and soul, its exhausting I am doing my best to cope with/live happily with my pain. bare with me accept me as I am, knowing tomorrow I will be different. try to understand  at least in general how forever changed my life is, how changed I am.
In many way I depend on people who are not sick, I need rides to the store for food, to doctor appointments, recreation that I can participate in, - mostly I need you to come visit me when I cannot get out.
I need help every day with cooking and cleaning, everyday,...did you hear me?... EVERY DAY I NEED HELP, something from someone just to live my life.........Imagine if this were your new life.... would you choose happy or misery?
thankfully I am better off than some. As long as God has me waking every morning I will do the best I can. Thank You for your time.