Mothers Day 2012

SO BEAUTIFUL

GEYSER VALLEY LOOP.  great first hike,  pleasant people to walk with and what a beautiful day it was. wanting more days just like it.  and the big moon what a sight that has been, our world is changing faster than we are aware, Prayers to us all.

yikes May day tomorrow !

another month gone.
 went to lunch today with an old neighbor. was good to see her, tho I am so overwhelmed and over stimulated from our conversation. somewhat angered that she is right, I need to quit the Larmore family. cards facebook attachments etc... so hard on me  and I do not know why ?
 time is flying by at a snails pace....  probably makes no sense but it is how I feel. I know many wonderful people. I am so very blessed
 I am going to come back from this devastation,   I AM. 
maybe just not here. I am at risk and my being here brings greater risk to those I care about.  when he finally gets his way he will go away trouble is there is no way to give him what he wants cuz as soon as he gets what he wants,  he wants something else and on and on and on.....till I was out of money.  then he was out of love for me too. 
 looking back at the relationship has been a horror movie for me, not getting any better the closer we get to court date. he once told me that if any one ever "displeased him" he would kill them and drop the body in some very remote places.   then we went camping in remote places, some times gives me chills thinking of walks we took and times he "jokingly" pushed me towards the edge of what ever we were over looking..... Yellowstone canyon comes  to mind first because a grand child saw him do it...........  and my with my brain & balance issues, it tis a wonder he did not get rid of me somewhere along the line, he would have claimed accidental and no one would have been the wiser.....
 " so you see Johnnie, I must have every bit as good ( if not better) Angels than you, they kept me alive through you."  and they are getting thru after you and after we are finished legally I will finish healing I WILL FINISH HEALING.    just when you realize what you have lost.  poor you.   but then you never really had an attachment so I could be totally wrong and you will happily skip off into the wilds that are the rest of your days. Hopefully our paths NEVER cross again.  I do not trust you.  I consider you a threat to my very existence, I will keep the restraining order in effect and add it to any in the 50 that I can even if it means I have to approach a judge in each and every one, I will not be left unprotected from you,  nor will I rely on any one else for my safety.  I will defend myself with deadly force.
I am going back east. just not sure how yet.
need to call attorney tomorrow.  seems to me that there are really no answers for me.
I need ?

  these are recent heritage pages I have done.  I look at the woman in some of these photos and good God there is rampant unhappiness 

seriously wonder about the mental health of women  from generations of  MEN shit

     saw something on Facebook that keeps me laughing I will leave you with it:

"I was fucking stupid..........................................................
........................................then we broke up. 

April almost half over

looking forward to catching up with our traveling Doctor to see how India was.

 retreat first, .had a wonderful retreat got a bit done and visited more than anything........    Springbreak next, made ceramics with the Grandkids and Carrie.  spent some time with Mom got to see Joshuas' soccer team play, and travel safely back to Port Angeles.

  am also looking forward to a summer totally up in the air ! so here's hoping your life is  a whole lot more grounded and plan-able !

hope......

it is and amazing thing.  I was once told some thing about having hope or there would be nothing to hope for.
I have hope that he will get help. I really thought he might get it today but I am wrong. they did not keep him.
he said he was sorry almost sounded as tho he meant it , but he lies terribly and he uses me so I must stay at a safe distance both mentally and physically. the restraining order is still in effect. I will not let that drop. I had a few precious hours this evening where any thing was possible I could even go for walks now.... yeah right .  I got to talk to him. granted it was not what I would have liked to converse about but it was what was needed. and he did go for help they just didn't keep him.
who knows what he told them. I had a turning point a week or so ago, I feel somehow as tho I am past the bottom, and ready to try the climb back to life, today I awoke with the usual where is he?? and then the remember, then the tears then the just get up and get the day going shake it off.... feed the animals take care of myself all the while uneasy, naggy every time I walked by a window, finally I put my pistol in my pocket , uneasy feeling abated. 2 hours later a call J is in the er for mental issues. guess that explains my naggy feeling. then dealing with police and J, getting to tell him get yourself help fix you then you can work at fixing the rest of your life's fuck ups. he kept saying death was the only way I finally told him that he had better sit down and write to his 10 grandkids tell them he is sorry for being such a jerk.
I need to finish the time line prepare for a trial he now says he won't show up to.
I now think that today was all in attempt to make SSD believe he was unbalanced when he had my attorney send a "I no Longer want ssd" letter to drop his benefits so I can't have them. makes perfect sense to his messed up mind. and how off balance he kept me , of course the brain injury didn't hurt his plan at all.
I put my trust for my financial futer in the hands of a man that was there to take advantage and he did and when the money was gone so was my house, I still had my car if I could catch up the payments he quit making, so he stole it and ruined it we still owed almost $9000. on it .    and sorry is supposed to fix it ?

March is marching on

and at the end a Spring retreat  : )
I do enjoy the retreats but I am having some trouble getting on board for anything right now. I seem to have lost all forward go       again and stalling in this stupid depression is not where I want to spend spring.  what the fuck ?


so I started reading blogs by scrolling thru the next blog button came upon this at Our Catholic corner...... WTF ?
 
 
Wednesday, February 8, 2012Examination of Conscience for Wives


I found this little old pamplet in the bottom of a box at our Parish bookstore. This is a great reference for a wife/mother when you are preparing to make the sacrament of Confession.



It is also good for us to read and to make sure we are on the right path ;)



My Home



1.Is my home neat and clean?

2.Is my home attractive?

3.Is my home comfortable?

4.Do I make attractive use of color in the curtains, draperies, etc?

5.Do I allow my family to relax, to use their home?

6.Is my housework done early in the day?

7.Do I leave soiled dishes piled up in the kitchen?

8.Am I on the look out for ways to improve my home? Do I read magazines that might help me in this regard?

9.Are my husband and children proud to bring their friends home?

Do I welcome their friends?

10.Is there a genuine religious atmosphere in my home? Are there:

a)pictures of Jesus,Mary, etc?

b)crucifixes?

c)things necessary for a sick call?

Is my work done systematically?

12.Am I careful about money?

13.Do I keep a record of my expenses?

14. Am I trying to save money for the future?



My Table



1.Are the meals served promptly?

2.Do I consider the nurtitional value of foods?

3.Do I introduce variety into the menu?

4. Am I on the lookout for new and appetizing recipes?

5. Are my meals appetizing in appearance?

6.Do I cook the same things week after week?

7.Do I prepare everything as attractively as possible even when there are to be no guests?

8. Is the table set attractively and completely before the family sits down? Or am I constantly jumping up for something that is needed?

9.Is the main family meal a real family affair?

10.Is the table conversation pleasant? Or do I rehearse all the unpleasant circumstances of the day?

11. Is grace said before and after meals?

12.Do the children ask to be excused,if they must leave early?

13.Am I teaching my children the rules of good etiquette:

a)by my good example?

b)by an occasional gently reminder?



Myself Physically



1.Am I careful about my personal cleanliness and neatness?

2.Do I try to keep myself attractive looking?

3. Do I choose clothes wisely:

A)price?

b)pattern?

c) color?

4. Do I try to keep my figure neat and trim?

5.In general am I as careful about my personal appearnace now as I was before my marriage?

6.Is my husband proud to be seen with me?

7.Are my children proud of their mother?

8. Do I try to look my best when my husband comes home?

9. Do I dress according to my age?

10. Am I always modest in my dress?



Myself intellectually



1. Am I intellectually stagnant?

2. Have I tried to imporove my mind?

3.Have I kept up the practice of reading good books?

4.Do I read good magazines?

5. How much Catholic reading do I do:

a)books?

b)magazines?

c)pamphlets?

d) newspapers?

6. Do I keep up with current events?

7. Have I tried to develop my talent as a conversationalist? Or are the sujects of conversations merely personalities and jokes?

8. Do I speak grammatcially?



Myself Spiritually



1.How often fo I go to confession and receive Holy Communion?

2.Am I on time for Mass on Sundays and holy days?

3.Do I ever go to Mass on weekdays?

4.Do I remain in church until the Mass iv over?

5. Do I try to participate fully in the Mass?

6.How often do I say the rosary?

7.Do I say my morning and night prayers?

8.Do I say grace before and after meals?

9. Do I avoid in my language:

a)vulgarity?

b)obscenity?

c)cursing?

d) blasphemy?

10. Is the spirit of chariy manifest in my:

a)thoughts?

b)words?

c)actions toward my family?relatives? friends?neighbors?enemies?

11.Am I catty?

12.Am i really tring to midel my life on Our lady?

13.Do I keep confidences that are given me? secrets?

14.Do I lose my temper easily and frequently?

15.Am I selfish?

16.Am I generous?

a)to the poor?

b)to the church?

c)to the missions?



the next section what kind of wife am I..... WTF ?

some of this is what I concider manners...... wonder if Mrs. Manners was Catholic ?
press on and forward
fake it till you make it I am told.

March 1 2012 gone

12 years and still the grief is only a thought away.

I wonder if my Dad has played with them. funny the thoughts that are in my mind and when they choose to POP in.....