been trying so hard to function normally. walking, moving everyday.....HATE happens within me why can't I place it where I need it, to get better?
I saw the back of his neck..... and the new cowboy hat is brown, the color I always tried to get him to try for a change..... this human, that has hurt me so deeply, still lives.... and for this, I am grateful. WHY? he has taken everything I worked so hard to acquire....,home, car, and the accident moneys, once they were gone so was the Mr. this is a human not worthy of my attention let alone my love. why is my heart still stuck on that piece of crap human?
how come I can tell people to" put it in a bubble and give it to God," yet here I sit crying my eyes out with so much unbelievable grief? don't get me wrong " I put it in a bubble and give it to God" daily,....... 2010 we separated, why dear God am I not angry? why have I not moved through the stages and away from this horrible human? how come a glimpse of him sends me into this horrible sad place ? done. should be done Larena, accept...... move the fuck on., stop punishing yourself for loving an unworthy son of a bitch. been loving fucked up people all my life, why stop now?
I AM able to help others,THank you God, it is why I am still here, it is great; wish there was more I could do. winning this big lotto......would mean everyone I know will no longer have a mortgage. and all will have a good car, paid in full. If I can provide housing and a car people should be able to live and thrive with out those 2 bills. medical bills for Billy and Uncle Brian, Camille, and others..... education money set aside for everyone under 18 that I know. this crap about student loans sucks I want to get rid of them for everyone I know.
Lord I had hi hopes about supporting my Mom by now, so she could enjoy her golden years, so much taken and nothing I can do about any of it but cry.
I got a check in the mail yesterday gotta love that. except that it came to me because its a settlement from big banks for illegally foreclosing on homes. little over 700. while I celebrate this money it will make Christmas easier and the week after a great one in the redwoods...... these fucking people took my house with help from the x . they took my 265,000 dollar home, sold it for 114,000 at auction, and paid me 700 and change because they did it illegally? fair judgement for who?
I am not a mean person, I am human, I have made mistakes, I have hurt others, I have done things wrong, paid for my mistakes, made amends wherever I have been allowed to, learned from them and moved on. this time I am stuck in this godforsaken no man land...... in love with what I thought this person could be. no what he showed me he could be, I did not manufacture this, he had good traits, others were attracted to him as well, but I am believing I never would have married him had I not been BRAIN injured. forgiving myself for that one is hard. never happen most likely.
TRUST. how? he chose to do this to me looked me in the eye and lied, daily for years till he got all he could........
MAN AM I FUCKED UP.
WHO FIXES THIS? Sadly I am guessing it must be me, and I have no idea where to begin, nor how to begin, I now just wait for the end. trying to do as much good as I can, maybe somehow I will make up for the terrible me I was in the past.........I am weary, I try to fake the enjoyment of life. I have to think of what my son sees me go through every day , how horrible for him to be saddled with a parent before the age of 30. thank God, he cannot hear what is going on in my head.
so much wrong in my head with no way to fix any of it I Pray to be released from these memories if I don't need them, let me be free of them. they blindside me and punch me in the gut for good meausure. I PROMISE to continue to try to be a better human every moment I have left. just help me to help more.....
I saw the back of his neck..... and the new cowboy hat is brown, the color I always tried to get him to try for a change..... this human, that has hurt me so deeply, still lives.... and for this, I am grateful. WHY? he has taken everything I worked so hard to acquire....,home, car, and the accident moneys, once they were gone so was the Mr. this is a human not worthy of my attention let alone my love. why is my heart still stuck on that piece of crap human?
how come I can tell people to" put it in a bubble and give it to God," yet here I sit crying my eyes out with so much unbelievable grief? don't get me wrong " I put it in a bubble and give it to God" daily,....... 2010 we separated, why dear God am I not angry? why have I not moved through the stages and away from this horrible human? how come a glimpse of him sends me into this horrible sad place ? done. should be done Larena, accept...... move the fuck on., stop punishing yourself for loving an unworthy son of a bitch. been loving fucked up people all my life, why stop now?
I AM able to help others,THank you God, it is why I am still here, it is great; wish there was more I could do. winning this big lotto......would mean everyone I know will no longer have a mortgage. and all will have a good car, paid in full. If I can provide housing and a car people should be able to live and thrive with out those 2 bills. medical bills for Billy and Uncle Brian, Camille, and others..... education money set aside for everyone under 18 that I know. this crap about student loans sucks I want to get rid of them for everyone I know.
Lord I had hi hopes about supporting my Mom by now, so she could enjoy her golden years, so much taken and nothing I can do about any of it but cry.
I got a check in the mail yesterday gotta love that. except that it came to me because its a settlement from big banks for illegally foreclosing on homes. little over 700. while I celebrate this money it will make Christmas easier and the week after a great one in the redwoods...... these fucking people took my house with help from the x . they took my 265,000 dollar home, sold it for 114,000 at auction, and paid me 700 and change because they did it illegally? fair judgement for who?
I am not a mean person, I am human, I have made mistakes, I have hurt others, I have done things wrong, paid for my mistakes, made amends wherever I have been allowed to, learned from them and moved on. this time I am stuck in this godforsaken no man land...... in love with what I thought this person could be. no what he showed me he could be, I did not manufacture this, he had good traits, others were attracted to him as well, but I am believing I never would have married him had I not been BRAIN injured. forgiving myself for that one is hard. never happen most likely.
TRUST. how? he chose to do this to me looked me in the eye and lied, daily for years till he got all he could........
MAN AM I FUCKED UP.
WHO FIXES THIS? Sadly I am guessing it must be me, and I have no idea where to begin, nor how to begin, I now just wait for the end. trying to do as much good as I can, maybe somehow I will make up for the terrible me I was in the past.........I am weary, I try to fake the enjoyment of life. I have to think of what my son sees me go through every day , how horrible for him to be saddled with a parent before the age of 30. thank God, he cannot hear what is going on in my head.
so much wrong in my head with no way to fix any of it I Pray to be released from these memories if I don't need them, let me be free of them. they blindside me and punch me in the gut for good meausure. I PROMISE to continue to try to be a better human every moment I have left. just help me to help more.....
